This is an update of an old post, rewritten for the McSweeney's blog competition. It is best when read aloud.
How Not To Hit Your Head On Doorways
First of all, if you do hit your head, and you will, pound your fist into the doorjamb. Pound it hard. Let the doorframe know who’s in charge. Pound again. Yell at the doorframe, spewing the following sophomoric insults: “You’re absolutely wooden.” “Homely.” “Unhinged.” When the doorframe can take no more, give it an ultimatum: “Leave my head alone, you big bully.”
As a rule, you must always duck. Bow your head. Pretend the Emperor of Japan is continually waiting in the next room, but, in general, avoid Asian countries where structures tend to be built for smaller people.
Avoid caves because stalactites hurt and rocks are difficult to insult. Avoid ancient castles and always say no to catacombs. Remember that sepulchers were not designed for the upright.
Avoid beach cottages. Stay away from these structures even if you desire to engage in a Bette Midler Beaches fantasy. This type of role-playing may wound you. Rickety coastal cottages don’t conform to modern building codes. They have been “grandfathered” in. Your grandfather was probably much shorter than you are.
Avoid trailer homes. Avoid cozy lofts. Avoid mountain cabins with angled rooflines.
Be vigilant when wearing a cap. The cap will not protect your head. The bill will impair your vision. The little button atop the cap will tattoo your pate.
Don’t grow so tall. Refuse milk as a child. Take up smoking before you reach puberty. Avoid hanging from ledges. Live in a cold climate. Malnourish yourself. Tell your parents you want inferior genes.
Don’t wear heels. Even when such shoes are fashionable during disco and glam rock periods, insist on flats. Express your fashion sense with large belt buckles and jade jewelry.
Under no circumstances should you ever let your friends convince you to wear a Mohawk.
Frequent train stations, but never, under any circumstances, board trains. Avoid planes. Insist on traveling by chariot.
Insist on living in Wilt Chamberlain’s house. Vacation in Norway. Walk through the midline of archways. Visit monumental structures, buildings whose entranceways represent the apotheosis in headroom – the Greeks got it right with the Parthenon.
Visit museums. Visit cathedrals. Stay outdoors.
